A GREAT DECEPTION

Have you ever felt sorry for yourself and feel that no one understands or cares how you feel?  I didn't that know these feelings were deep inside me. I soon found out that my emotions  had a mind of their own. I could think one thing and feel another. My spirit was grieved. My prayers were hindered.  What was going on?

Seeking for some answers, I took my grievances to a dear friend. While we were  having coffee, we started to discuss  growing up as kids. It didn't take long before I found myself complaining about my mother and her control over my life. 

From there it started all down-hill. My husband was on the list.  All I wanted was my friend to sympathize and to feel sorry for me, but she would not. She just  patiently listened to my complaining until she couldn't stand it any more.

 "Dottie, it hurts me to hear how you are discrediting God's character. You are full of self-pity.." 

Discrediting God's character? Self pity? I didn't know what she was talking about.  I was just expressing how I felt. It was the truth.  I was getting a little angry inside, thinking that she was a little self righteous in her judgement.  Wasn't there anyone who understood me?

The conversation wasn't  fruitful. I politely excused myself, quietly I stuffed my feelings down again for another day. My friend said that she would continue to pray for me. I felt offended and a little embarrassed baring my heart so openly.

I was miserable.  I couldn't pray.  No one understood me not my husband, not my best friend, nobody. My children were still too young to understand.  Yet, I couldn't escape the thought , "How was I discrediting God's character"  

It kept plaguing me more and more, until one morning I cried out to the Lord, "Lord Jesus, nobody cares about me.  Nobody listens or understands."  By now, I was crying buckets.  Maybe He didn't care either.   Through my tears I heard a small voice say, "Read Ezekiel 16."  I knew if God had anything to say to me it would be in His word. He often spoke personally that way. 
 This is how I interpreted Ezekiel 16 for myself.  "On the day you were born, your parents were not believers, and your cord to the world was not cut.  You were still dead in your trespasses and sin. Nobody pitied you .  You pitied yourself.  But, when I saw you squirming in your human sinful condition without hope, I alone had pity on you and in My compassion I picked you up, and said "live".  

It was like a light bulb lit up in me. It was self pity.  I was deceived, I was discrediting God's character, I was believing a lie.  Yes, I was born in Adam's sin. I was full of self: self effort, self pity, selfishness, self, self, self. It was all about me. 

Now, I understood how I was discrediting God's character.  My complaining and self justification was accusing God. I was calling God a liar, that He didn't pity me. In reality, He was the only one that truly did. He nailed my sin to the cross and raised me to a new life in Him. What more did I need?

Since that day, my whole heart has changed. The deliverance has enabled me understand other areas of sin that I have needed  to deal with. His kindness has led me continuously to repentance. Thus keeping my 'new heart" clean before my Holy God. There is no self-pity in Christ. Every day I am dying more and more to "self" and being transformed into the image and likeness of Jesus.